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Mirroring 9.0—How to Build Rapport with Diverse Teams using the Enneagram

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Birds of a feather flock together.  Why is that? Turns out, we are most comfortable being around people like ourselves.  How can leaders build diverse teams while still building rapport among teammates? The Enneagram provides an answer.

Rapport and Team Effectiveness

The Oxford dictionary tells us that rapport is a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.  But is rapport important for team effectiveness?  Do effective teams communicate well? Yes!  Do effective teams share and understand each other’s ideas? Yes!  Are they in a close and harmonious relationship?  Yes! Clearly, rapport is essential for effective teams.

Mirroring

Mirroring is a phenomenon that occurs when we communicate with others—it’s a natural rapport-building mechanism by which we reflect back verbal and nonverbal cues.  Those cues include posture, arm placement and speech patterns, among others. Have you ever noticed during a conversation that you’ve positioned your body in the mirror image of the other person?  That’s mirroring in action. You can learn more about mirroring here.   Mirroring is the way we tell the other person, “Hey, I’m like you; we’re birds of a feather.” It’s our instinctual method for building rapport.

Conscious Mirroring

Knowing the power of mirroring for rapport building, why not deliberately use this technique for increasing team effectiveness? For instance, when you are with someone who takes a relaxed posture and speaks slowly, you can deliberately relax and slow down your pace.  Conversely, if they sit up right and talk fast, you can do the same. Another simple way to mirror, is to repeat back someone’s idea to them before you respond.  Doing that, you are communicating that you listened, heard and understood their ideas.  By mirroring in these simple ways, you are making the other person feel more comfortable, thereby building trust and rapport.

Birds of an Enneagram Type

At an Enneagram workshop I conducted, I asked the group to think about their best friends in high school and guess what Enneagram type they are.  As we went around the room, the pattern became clear—most everyone concluded that their best friend was the same Enneagram type as themselves.  It’s easier to build rapport with someone whose Enneagram style is similar to our own.  But can we adjust our own style to build rapport with any other style?

Mirroring 9.0

Knowing the nine distinct Enneagram styles adds more arrows in your mirroring quiver.  When building rapport with someone whose style is the same as yours, easy-peasy, you can just be yourself.  When building rapport with other styles, learn to adjust your own style to accommodate and mirror their style.  Doing so will help you build rapport with that person.

Cut to The Chase

I am Enneagram Type 6, and I like putting my ideas into context when communicating. You can probably tell this from my writing style. Type 8s, on the other hand, just want to get to the point.  If they want context, they’ll ask for it. Otherwise, don’t bother. You’re just wasting their time.  Knowing that my Type-6 communication style does not match well with the Type 8’s style, I deliberately adjust my style—I just get to the point and wait for questions.  Letting the 8 lead the conversation will make them feel more comfortable, improve communication, and build rapport. 

Why So Many Questions!

Conversely, if a Type 8 communicates with a Type 6, the Type 8 will simply state the point.  The Type 6 will want to know the context and start asking questions (sometimes Type 6 is labeled the Questioner.)   Since the Type 8 will feel like they’ve already worked out everything, rehashing issues may annoy them.  Being a Type 6, I have to check my tendency to ask lots of questions with Type 8s.

Starting Point—Knowing Your Own Type

For both scenarios, the starting point for me was to know my own Enneagram type and associated communication tendencies. Once familiar with those, I was able to adjust my tendencies based on the preferences of the other types. By learning to match the communication styles of the others based on their Enneagram type, you will be building rapport with your teammates.

Mirroring 9.0—Rapport Building Communication Tips

While each Enneagram type represents a tapestry of behaviors, there are some simple tips you can use to improve communication with each type.

Enneagram Type 1—Acknowledge my desire to get things right; give me the information and time I need to do it.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 1 Teammates

Enneagram Type 2—Appreciate me for my contributions; provide me with new opportunities to help.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 2 Teammates

Enneagram Type 3—Recognize me for my accomplishments; show me ways I can continue to achieve.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 3 Teammates

Enneagram Type 4—Acknowledge my unique perspectives; engage me in conversations about emotions and feelings.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 4 Teammates

Enneagram Type 5—Recognize my deep knowledge and understanding of a subject; allow me to contribute my knowledge is safe ways.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 5 Teammates

Enneagram Type 6—Recognize my abilities to think about the future, plan and strategize; indulge me in conversations about what may happen.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 6 Teammates

Enneagram Type 7—Let me know how much you like me; let’s dream about new and fun things to do.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 7 Teammates

Enneagram Type 8—Acknowledge my desire to get things done; get to the point so I can get into action.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 8 Teammates

Enneagram Type 9—Acknowledge my ability to understand other’s perspectives; don’t push me to share my own.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 9 Teammates

Knowing the Enneagram types of your teammates and practicing these tips will help you build rapport and trust with your teammates.

Employee Engagement

According to Gallup, in 2019, the percentage of “engaged” workers in the U.S. was 35%. Hey, lot’s of room for improvement!  And, what’s the number one reason why it’s so low?  Gallup finds that the relationship between the employee and the direct manager is responsible for 70% of low engagement. 70%!  Now we know what to work on—building rapport and trust!

The Leader Sets the Tone

As a leader who desires a highly effective team with a diversity of styles, building rapport with your teammates is crucial. Learning the different Enneagram styles of yourself and your teammates and learning how to mirror those styles is a rapport building technique that will help improve team effectiveness and achieve higher employee engagement. Sharing your rapport building tips with your teammates will serve as a model for the entire team to build a self-supporting and self-sustaining environment in which the entire team can thrive. I detail leadership traits and Enneagram at work in Teamwork 9.0.

What rapport building strategies are you using to improve team effectiveness and employee engagement?  How are you honing your rapport building skills?

You Made THAT Decision?
ICK!

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I feel icky.  At least I did when I realized I had to make a decision the other day.  It wasn’t my first choice. But, I knew it was the right choice. Still, the decision made me feel… well, icky.  Ever been faced with a decision that made you feel icky?

First Reaction? Time Out!

Ickiness was not my first reaction to the idea.  It was anger.  My gut told me – No Way!  I’ve learned that when I have such a strong negative response to an idea to give myself a figurative time out.  In other words, I refrain from responding until I have calmed down.   In this case, I waited 24 hours. In that time something remarkable happened. 

The next day when I awoke, the feeling of anger was gone.  And, in its place was a feeling of ickiness. Having given myself time to think about the proposal, I had come to the conclusion that it was likely the best course of action. It was not the course of action that I would take, but it was a course of action that would accomplish the goal and appease the majority of stakeholders. So, the decision was made, but I felt icky.

Decision Making and Problem Solving

Decision making is an integral part of problem solving. In the nine-step problem solving method I describe in Teamwork 9.0 and summarize in a blog here,  the first part of the process is the decision making seven steps by which you decide the approach to solve the problem.  

In step 3, you and your team generate ideas. Step 4 is your emotional reaction to those ideas.  In this case, my first step-4 reaction to the proposed idea was anger.  Step 5 is when you think about the ideas, not with emotions or feelings but with logic.  As I moved into step 5, my feeling of anger dissipated and was replaced with a feeling of ickiness as I concluded that the idea made sense logically.

Once I had come to that logical conclusion, it was easier for me to overcome my feelings of ickiness and go along with the proposed approach. While the decision-making process can be treated discreetly, it is instructive to consider the tight link between problem solving and decision making.

Time Heals All Ickiness

Here’s the good news.  While I felt icky after making the decision, by the next day the icky feeling was very faint, and by the day after that the feeling was like a distant memory. The approach that the team proposed worked and solved the problem. The team maintained its coherence and enthusiasm during implementation.  I am happy with the outcome and can now move on to new projects. I am reminded of the phrase, “this too shall pass.”  Indeed, the icky feeling did pass.

What decisions are you facing that make you feel icky?  For you, which dominates your decision making—gut reactions, feelings or logic? Do you consider the passage of time when you make a decision? When your logical head tries to reason with your gut and heart, which wins? Is it more important for you to avoid feeling icky or to make the best decision?

Why Didn’t the Chicken Cross the Road?

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Do you feel the urgent need to act? Or is a patient approach best? Do you choose your approach deliberately or are you a victim of circumstances?

Chicken with Your Head Chopped Off

I remember growing up my Grandpa would chastise me for acting before thinking. Having grown up in the country near “The Egg Capital of the World” (Petaluma, CA), his colorful description for my thoughtless behavior alluded to the body of a chicken that runs around the yard after its head is cut off.  I got the point.

STOP!

Oftentimes when faced with a problem, we rush into action. Without taking a moment to think before acting, you and your team may start trying to solve a problem before agreeing exactly what problem you are addressing and how you will collectively approach the solution. Without having the restraint to think before acting, your team may try to solve different problems with different methods which will waste time. Sometimes you need to go slow to go fast.

Why?

Taking a moment to ask a few questions before rushing to action can help bring your team together, starting with the question “why.”  Once your team has agreed on that answer, the next question is “who” – who needs to be involved? After that, you decide collectively “what” you’re going to do.  Taking the time to ask these leadership questions helps you align your team and set it up for success. You can read more about leadership questions that guide your team here.

Leadership Skill

I have found that different leaders can have different leadership styles in terms of their tendency towards urgency or patience. Self-aware leaders will develop these two important leadership skills:  first—determine which situations require patience and which require urgency;  second—understand that every person, including yourself, has a natural inclination towards patience or impatience and learn to deliberately adjust your style depending on the needs of the situation.

Patience vs. Impatience

As Grandpa poignantly pointed out—I am an impatient person. I feel the need to get started on a project, often before everyone else is on board. I have learned to restrain my impatience, to be more attentive to those who are exhibiting patience, and to understand why they are doing that. This restraint is not easy for me—I am still a work in progress. Back to the chicken metaphors:  I must remind myself that if we are taking the risk of crossing the road, we better have a good reason why we are doing it.

Leadership Style

What’s your patience-impatience leadership style?  How does it help you, and how does it hold you back? What techniques do you use to adjust your style based on your project’s circumstances? In chapter 6 of my book Teamwork 9.0, I relate the patience-impatience styles to each Enneagram type.  Knowing the Enneagram type of yourself and your teammates will help you understand the natural patience-impatience tendencies of your team. This knowledge will inform you of adjustments you can make as circumstances change.

Be Patient with Yourself

In normal times, those who tend to be impatient can put a great deal of stress on themselves. In these extraordinary times, that stress is compounded. Learning to calm your sense of urgency will help you keep your stress levels down. We all need to be more patient with ourselves and those around us. How are you exercising patience during the pandemic?

Solving Problems? What’s Your Leadership Word?

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Everyone has a go-to response when faced with a problem. Does your mind jump directly to a solution? Perhaps you stop and reflect on the problem. Or does your body just move into action. In a word, what is your go-to response?

Sequential Problem-Solving Steps

My word is WHEN. When can we get started? When will we be done.  My mind gravitates to when questions.  But is that the right question to be asking?  That depends on where you are in the problem-solving process.

There is a natural order to problem solving — a sequence of steps that occurs as you move from the beginning point of problem identification to the end when the problem is solved.  The Enneagram informs us of a problem-solving strategy that consists of 9 steps, which I detail in chapter 2 of Teamwork 9.0. 

Problem Solving 9 Steps

In a word, the nine problem-solving steps are as follows:

1 – Why?

2 – Who?

3 – What?

4 – Good?

5 – How?

6 – When?

7 – Ready?

8 – Go!

9 – Okay?

Each of us reacts differently when faced with a problem. Most often the reaction takes the form of a question — for instance, what should we do? — though for some the reaction is action and for others a feeling. We all want to play to our strengths which leads to a natural tendency to skip steps. The benefit of using a systematic problem-solving methodology is that it helps avoid skipping steps and, thereby, increases the overall effectiveness of the solution.  Systematically going through all nine steps will yield the best results.  

Problem Solving Methodology

1 – WHY? – The starting point of problem solving is identifying that there is a problem—why something is wrong and why it needs to be corrected. Asking these questions of multiple people, you will discover various perspectives on the problem.  Recording these problem perspectives and describing how things should be once the problem is solved informs the WHY of problem solving and establishes the problem-solving objectives. The WHY serves as the purpose of your problem-solving effort.

2 – WHO? – The problem necessarily impacts someone, especially problem solving in business. The second step is determining who. Who does the problem affect? Who can help solve the problem? Who may be affected by the solution? These people form the group of stakeholders who join you on your problem-solving journey.

3 – WHAT? – There are often numerous problem-solving approaches. You will generate ideas, and these ideas comprise what you will consider as possible solutions to the problem. Enlisting a diverse group of people to join you in idea brainstorming is how your problem-solving initiative can lead to new ideas.  In this step, problem solving and creativity intersect.

4 – GOOD? – Every idea will generate an emotional response—your first reaction. This reaction happens immediately, without thinking.  That idea is great! Or, that idea sucks!  This is the step in which each idea is run through your emotional filter to eliminate bad ideas and retain good ones. If you wonder whether problem solving is a soft skill, step 4, which requires an examination of our emotional reactions, implies that the answer is yes!

5 – HOW? – Any promising idea needs to be vetted, and this is the step where you analyze and determine how an idea will actually solve the problem. Ideas are run through a logical filter, out of which comes the most promising ones—your Plan A and Plan B.  Step 5 is the time in problem solving for analytical skills and critical thinking. While data analysis may have been required in step 1 to understand the problem, it may also be required in step 5 to assess the efficacy of the proposed solution.

6 – WHEN? – This is the planning step in problem solving, when you sequence all the required actions into a plan. You take all the information collected in step 5 and synthesize that into an action plan that achieves your problem-solving objectives.  In short, WHO does WHAT by HOW and WHEN to address WHY.

7 – READY? – Once your plan is formulated you need to check in with all stakeholders to ensure everyone is on board.  Depending on the scope of the problem, you will need everyone’s support, time—energy—resources, in many dimensions, physically—mentally—emotionally, to execute the plan and solve the problem. If you’ve kept everyone in the loop up to now, you will be in good shape to get the buy-in you need to proceed. Step 7 is the final decision-making point before moving into action.

8 – GO! – Finally you get to action.  This is the step in the problem-solving process where you actually solve the problem!  Up to this point it has been all talk.  Now you execute the plan and achieve the goal—problem solved!

9 – OKAY? – After step 8 you may think you’re finished, but there’s one last step: the final check-in with all stakeholders to ensure that the problem was actually solved to everyone’s satisfaction.  If you took the time in step 1 to document the goals and outcomes, those details will serve as your checklist.  Sometimes the unexpected happens and new problems arise in step 9—that takes you back to step 1.

People form teams to solve problems, which is why problem solving is important in the workplace.  These nine steps help you organize your problem-solving team to systematically address the problem.

Socratic Teamwork

Notice that eight of the nine steps can take the form of a question?  Questions stimulate conversations in which your team can share perspectives and discuss ideas. Questions form the basis of the Socratic method, a technique to stimulate dialogue, creativity and critical thinking. Organizing questions in this nine-step sequence will promote the conversations that will guide you and your team on your problem-solving journey.

Problem-Solving Skills and Leadership

What are your problem-solving skills? I am a planner, so my favorite problem-solving step is step 6. Each of us are naturally drawn towards the steps in problem solving that play to our natural gifts and strengths. Having a diverse workgroup with a range of skills makes your problem-solving team more effective—everyone using their unique strengths as your team moves through each problem-solving step.  During the step that overlaps with your particular strengths, you can assume a leadership role for the team.

What are your go-to problem solving words, and how are you delivering problem-solving leadership for your team?  Answering these questions, you may discover your own personal purpose in problem solving.

Enneagram Workshop: Path of Leadership Workshop Notes

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business consulting

We had a great session at CSL at which we explored leadership and personal growth by tapping into the path of integration for our Enneagram type.  As a leader you need to be able to access the dynamics of any Enneagram type depending on the situation.  Generally the hardest dynamic to tap into is that represented by clockwise movement around the Enneagram, in other words the next higher number. The premise of this discussion is that if your path of integration provides a solution  to help you access dynamics of the type represented by the next higher type. Once you have mastered that, you can use that pathway to access the dynamics of any Enneagram type.

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