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How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 3 Teammates

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Rapport? Who needs rapport? We have a job to do! Enneagram Type 3s want to work hard and accomplish the job.  The best way to get along with Type 3s is pitching in, helping them and the team succeed. Here’s to success!

Feelings? No Thanks!

Although Enneagram Type 3 is in the Feeling Triad, they suppress their emotions and tend not to consider the feelings of others.  Clearly, building rapport on an emotional basis is not the best approach with the 3.  They do want to succeed and appear successful—therein lies the key to rapport building with your Type 3 teammates.

Mirroring 9.0

As discussed in this 5/8/20 blog,  mirroring is one of the most important rapport building skills. Enneagram Type 3s are highly conscious of appearances and will respond well to mirroring. They like to surround themselves with achievement-oriented people who exhibit all the trappings of success—nice clothes, nice car, nice job, etc.   Mirroring these signs of success while demonstrating your own ability to work hard and achieve success will put you in good stead with the 3.

Outside of the Box

Most people have emotional filters on their thoughts and ideas.  Because Type 3s tend to suppress emotion, it’s as if these filters are turned off. This gift gives the 3 the ability to think outside of the emotional box.  They freely generate ideas for the team to consider.  Since they don’t themselves react emotionally to any idea, they have to monitor the group to see which ideas gain traction.  As the saying goes, they throw out ideas like spaghetti against the wall and see what sticks.  Type 3s appreciate feedback on their ideas and efforts to build consensus to move forward to accomplish the goal.

Nothing Personal

When the 3 is focused on the mission, they become emotionally distant.  Don’t take it personally.  Just work with the 3 to help them achieve the goal.  They will tune back in once the goal is achieved. Remember, your Type 3 colleague may really like you despite the emotional distance. That distance is simply an artifact of the suppressed-emotion type. With your Type 3 teammates, putting feelings aside and staying on task is one of the best rapport building techniques.

Bonding Over Work

One of my closest friends from college is Enneagram Type 3.  We attended an academically challenging school.  As a Type 6 myself, I always felt the stress and anxiety of the workload, and that anxiety shifted my behaviors towards Type 3, along my path of disintegration.  In that state, I was naturally mirroring many of the behaviors of my diligent, hard-working Type 3 friend. No wonder we got along so well!

Friendly Competition

Type 3s are highly competitive. Another rapport building example is to find activities in which the 3 excels and engage them in friendly competition. With my friend in college, our favorite competition was ping pong—we played hours and hours of ping pong. If you put up a great fight and they still win—you have given them another opportunity to demonstrate success. That’s a win-win rapport building strategy with your Type 3 teammate.

When does rapport building take place with the Enneagram Type 3s in your life? How are you building rapport and trust?  What steps to building rapport are you taking? What steps to building rapport work and what have you learned to avoid?

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 2 Teammates

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It’s easy to build rapport with people who go out of their way to build rapport with you. Enneagram Type 2s have heart and want to connect with you at an emotional level.  How do they do that? By helping you!  Don’t get in the way of Type 2 building rapport and trust with you.

Appreciation

Enneagram Type 2s want appreciation from those around them. The desire for appreciation compels them to seek ways to help others in return for appreciation. What’s the easiest rapport building strategy for Type 2?  Appreciate them! Type 2s are capable of receiving boundless amounts of appreciation. Try it yourself. I’ve never found a limit.

Appreciation is Like Oxygen

Appreciation for Type 2s is like oxygen.  They need it continuously.  Deny the 2 of oxygen and what happens?  They feel suffocated. When 2s don’t receive the appreciation they expect, they get angry.  You can avoid that by determining what they did for which they expect appreciation, and then give them the appreciation they need.  Better still, giving a gift as a token of appreciation will keep the 2 on your good side.

Mirroring 9.0 – The Exception to the Rule

As discussed in this 5/8/20 blog,  mirroring is one of the most important rapport building skills. There are many ways to mirror others’ behaviors—body position, vocal pace, Enneagram style, etc.  However, when building rapport, there is one Type 2 behavior you may not want to mirror—ironically, that’s helping the 2.  Unless the 2 specifically asks you for help, Type 2s consider giving help their job. If you start mirroring the 2 by trying to help them, you may get into a competitive helping situation. Rather than that, simply allow the 2 to help you, and things will go much more smoothly.

Connecting is Twofer

Enneagram Type 2s are well connected and love opportunities to interact with and connect people.  If you are looking for assistance, ask a 2 to help you find people.  They probably know someone who can assist you. For the 2, this is a twofer, because they get to connect with and help two people, you and the person who can assist you. Having Type 2s connect you with others is a great rapport build technique.

Remember When?

Here’s another rapport building example—when speaking with Type 2, the conversation often turns to reminiscing about some event in the past. Type 2s love to relive the emotions of past events that involved friends and family—it’s an easy way for them to immerse themselves in the emotional content they love.  Indulge the 2 because by participating in these conversations you are establishing rapport.

When does rapport building take place with the Enneagram Type 2s in your life? How are you building rapport and trust?  What steps to building rapport are you taking? What works and what have you learned to avoid?

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 1 Teammates

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When you need to get it exactly right, you want a person who is Enneagram Type 1 on your team.  Commonly called The Perfectionist, Type 1s are compelled to get things right.  What are the rapport building strategies for building trust and rapport with your Type 1 teammates?

Mirroring 9.0

As I discussed in this 5/8/20 blog,  mirroring is a powerful rapport building technique.  Engaging Enneagram Type 1s in sincere conversations on topics that are important to them is a form of mirroring, and these conversations will help you in building rapport and trust with your Type 1 teammate.  If you yourself are not Enneagram Type 1, then you’ll have to put yourself in their shoes.  Here’s how.

Angry Voice

Imagine that there’s an angry voice in your head, and all that anger is directed at yourself.  “That’s not good enough.” “You know it could be better.” “You have to try harder.”  This voice is the nearly constant companion of Type 1.  Knowing this will prepare you for the conversations that you’ll have with your teammate.

Listening to Type 1

In order to mirror, there must be something to reflect.   Listening is the most important of rapport build skills. How do you get Type 1s to start talking?  How about with this question, “Something wrong?”  Since there’s always something wrong, this simple question will get the conversation going. To build rapport as you listen, it’s important to acknowledge the problems the 1 identifies.  Don’t object. Don’t correct. Don’t deflect. Just listen and acknowledge.  

Frustration

While Type 1s typically avoid outward displays of anger, their internal, self-directed anger commonly presents as frustration.  As you listen to the 1, empathize with their frustrations. Empathy is a form of emotional mirroring, and by empathizing you’ll build rapport.  Your conversations allow the 1 to express the root cause of what bothers them—the core of the problem. These conversations done well lead to catharsis which can move the 1 into a different mindset, one open to exploring new possibilities. 

The Beautiful World

Once your Type 1 teammate has exhausted their list of problems, your next question is, “How should it be?”  “Should” is the operative word.  Type 1s have a strong innate sense of how the world should be. Encourage your Type 1 teammate to describe the ideal world, one without the frustrating problems.  By clearly defining both the problematic world and the ideal world, your teammate reveals the gap between the two.  Remember, this is their vision, not yours.  Your job is to listen and understand—doing so furthers building rapport and trust.

Getting from A to B

Thinking about “what’s wrong” and “how it should be” preoccupy Type 1 and will form the basis for conversations to build rapport.  When the gap between the two becomes clear, the 1 may signal wanting to talk about ideas to get from A to B.  Follow their lead if that’s where they want to take the conversation, but don’t force it until they’re ready. 

Distractions

Occasionally, Type 1s want an escape from their frustrations. Therein lies another rapport building opportunity with your Type 1 teammate.  Find out the recreational activities they engage in and partake if possible. Though, be prepared—the Type 1s I know tend to focus on physical activities like cycling, running and hiking, and not in leisurely fashion! They need to work out their frustrations with vigorous physical activity to quiet that angry voice in their head.

What steps to building rapport have you taken with your Type 1 teammates? When does rapport building take place for you? What works well, and what have you learned to avoid?

Mirroring 9.0—How to Build Rapport with Diverse Teams using the Enneagram

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Birds of a feather flock together.  Why is that? Turns out, we are most comfortable being around people like ourselves.  How can leaders build diverse teams while still building rapport among teammates? The Enneagram provides an answer.

Rapport and Team Effectiveness

The Oxford dictionary tells us that rapport is a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.  But is rapport important for team effectiveness?  Do effective teams communicate well? Yes!  Do effective teams share and understand each other’s ideas? Yes!  Are they in a close and harmonious relationship?  Yes! Clearly, rapport is essential for effective teams.

Mirroring

Mirroring is a phenomenon that occurs when we communicate with others—it’s a natural rapport-building mechanism by which we reflect back verbal and nonverbal cues.  Those cues include posture, arm placement and speech patterns, among others. Have you ever noticed during a conversation that you’ve positioned your body in the mirror image of the other person?  That’s mirroring in action. You can learn more about mirroring here.   Mirroring is the way we tell the other person, “Hey, I’m like you; we’re birds of a feather.” It’s our instinctual method for building rapport.

Conscious Mirroring

Knowing the power of mirroring for rapport building, why not deliberately use this technique for increasing team effectiveness? For instance, when you are with someone who takes a relaxed posture and speaks slowly, you can deliberately relax and slow down your pace.  Conversely, if they sit up right and talk fast, you can do the same. Another simple way to mirror, is to repeat back someone’s idea to them before you respond.  Doing that, you are communicating that you listened, heard and understood their ideas.  By mirroring in these simple ways, you are making the other person feel more comfortable, thereby building trust and rapport.

Birds of an Enneagram Type

At an Enneagram workshop I conducted, I asked the group to think about their best friends in high school and guess what Enneagram type they are.  As we went around the room, the pattern became clear—most everyone concluded that their best friend was the same Enneagram type as themselves.  It’s easier to build rapport with someone whose Enneagram style is similar to our own.  But can we adjust our own style to build rapport with any other style?

Mirroring 9.0

Knowing the nine distinct Enneagram styles adds more arrows in your mirroring quiver.  When building rapport with someone whose style is the same as yours, easy-peasy, you can just be yourself.  When building rapport with other styles, learn to adjust your own style to accommodate and mirror their style.  Doing so will help you build rapport with that person.

Cut to The Chase

I am Enneagram Type 6, and I like putting my ideas into context when communicating. You can probably tell this from my writing style. Type 8s, on the other hand, just want to get to the point.  If they want context, they’ll ask for it. Otherwise, don’t bother. You’re just wasting their time.  Knowing that my Type-6 communication style does not match well with the Type 8’s style, I deliberately adjust my style—I just get to the point and wait for questions.  Letting the 8 lead the conversation will make them feel more comfortable, improve communication, and build rapport. 

Why So Many Questions!

Conversely, if a Type 8 communicates with a Type 6, the Type 8 will simply state the point.  The Type 6 will want to know the context and start asking questions (sometimes Type 6 is labeled the Questioner.)   Since the Type 8 will feel like they’ve already worked out everything, rehashing issues may annoy them.  Being a Type 6, I have to check my tendency to ask lots of questions with Type 8s.

Starting Point—Knowing Your Own Type

For both scenarios, the starting point for me was to know my own Enneagram type and associated communication tendencies. Once familiar with those, I was able to adjust my tendencies based on the preferences of the other types. By learning to match the communication styles of the others based on their Enneagram type, you will be building rapport with your teammates.

Mirroring 9.0—Rapport Building Communication Tips

While each Enneagram type represents a tapestry of behaviors, there are some simple tips you can use to improve communication with each type.

Enneagram Type 1—Acknowledge my desire to get things right; give me the information and time I need to do it.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 1 Teammates

Enneagram Type 2—Appreciate me for my contributions; provide me with new opportunities to help.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 2 Teammates

Enneagram Type 3—Recognize me for my accomplishments; show me ways I can continue to achieve.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 3 Teammates

Enneagram Type 4—Acknowledge my unique perspectives; engage me in conversations about emotions and feelings.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 4 Teammates

Enneagram Type 5—Recognize my deep knowledge and understanding of a subject; allow me to contribute my knowledge is safe ways.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 5 Teammates

Enneagram Type 6—Recognize my abilities to think about the future, plan and strategize; indulge me in conversations about what may happen.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 6 Teammates

Enneagram Type 7—Let me know how much you like me; let’s dream about new and fun things to do.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 7 Teammates

Enneagram Type 8—Acknowledge my desire to get things done; get to the point so I can get into action.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 8 Teammates

Enneagram Type 9—Acknowledge my ability to understand other’s perspectives; don’t push me to share my own.

How to Build Rapport with your Enneagram Type 9 Teammates

Knowing the Enneagram types of your teammates and practicing these tips will help you build rapport and trust with your teammates.

Employee Engagement

According to Gallup, in 2019, the percentage of “engaged” workers in the U.S. was 35%. Hey, lot’s of room for improvement!  And, what’s the number one reason why it’s so low?  Gallup finds that the relationship between the employee and the direct manager is responsible for 70% of low engagement. 70%!  Now we know what to work on—building rapport and trust!

The Leader Sets the Tone

As a leader who desires a highly effective team with a diversity of styles, building rapport with your teammates is crucial. Learning the different Enneagram styles of yourself and your teammates and learning how to mirror those styles is a rapport building technique that will help improve team effectiveness and achieve higher employee engagement. Sharing your rapport building tips with your teammates will serve as a model for the entire team to build a self-supporting and self-sustaining environment in which the entire team can thrive. I detail leadership traits and Enneagram at work in Teamwork 9.0.

What rapport building strategies are you using to improve team effectiveness and employee engagement?  How are you honing your rapport building skills?

You Made THAT Decision?
ICK!

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I feel icky.  At least I did when I realized I had to make a decision the other day.  It wasn’t my first choice. But, I knew it was the right choice. Still, the decision made me feel… well, icky.  Ever been faced with a decision that made you feel icky?

First Reaction? Time Out!

Ickiness was not my first reaction to the idea.  It was anger.  My gut told me – No Way!  I’ve learned that when I have such a strong negative response to an idea to give myself a figurative time out.  In other words, I refrain from responding until I have calmed down.   In this case, I waited 24 hours. In that time something remarkable happened. 

The next day when I awoke, the feeling of anger was gone.  And, in its place was a feeling of ickiness. Having given myself time to think about the proposal, I had come to the conclusion that it was likely the best course of action. It was not the course of action that I would take, but it was a course of action that would accomplish the goal and appease the majority of stakeholders. So, the decision was made, but I felt icky.

Decision Making and Problem Solving

Decision making is an integral part of problem solving. In the nine-step problem solving method I describe in Teamwork 9.0 and summarize in a blog here,  the first part of the process is the decision making seven steps by which you decide the approach to solve the problem.  

In step 3, you and your team generate ideas. Step 4 is your emotional reaction to those ideas.  In this case, my first step-4 reaction to the proposed idea was anger.  Step 5 is when you think about the ideas, not with emotions or feelings but with logic.  As I moved into step 5, my feeling of anger dissipated and was replaced with a feeling of ickiness as I concluded that the idea made sense logically.

Once I had come to that logical conclusion, it was easier for me to overcome my feelings of ickiness and go along with the proposed approach. While the decision-making process can be treated discreetly, it is instructive to consider the tight link between problem solving and decision making.

Time Heals All Ickiness

Here’s the good news.  While I felt icky after making the decision, by the next day the icky feeling was very faint, and by the day after that the feeling was like a distant memory. The approach that the team proposed worked and solved the problem. The team maintained its coherence and enthusiasm during implementation.  I am happy with the outcome and can now move on to new projects. I am reminded of the phrase, “this too shall pass.”  Indeed, the icky feeling did pass.

What decisions are you facing that make you feel icky?  For you, which dominates your decision making—gut reactions, feelings or logic? Do you consider the passage of time when you make a decision? When your logical head tries to reason with your gut and heart, which wins? Is it more important for you to avoid feeling icky or to make the best decision?

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