Employee Engagement

How am I feeling? Really!?!  How can I answer that when I’m feeling everything!  If you want to understand the emotional content of, well, anything, then have a conversation with your Enneagram Type 4 teammate. Do you feel me?

Feelings? Yes, Please!

As Shrek once pointed out, “Ogres are like onions. […] Ogres have layers.”  Layers of what goes unsaid, but clearly Shrek is talking about feelings—and, clearly, Shrek is a Type 4. (By the way, Shrek and Donkey illustrate the relationship between Type 4 and Type 7.)

Enneagram Type 4 is the internal-emotions type in the Feeling Center of the Enneagram.  This type has the innate ability to “feel” the emotional content of the world, both what is present and also what is missing.  Having conversations about feelings is when rapport building takes place with your Type 4 teammates.

Mirroring 9.0 – Safe Space

As discussed in this 5/8/20 blog,  mirroring is one of the most important rapport building skills. Mirroring with Type 4 requires conversations about feelings. In some settings, such conversations are not welcome nor appreciated. For Type 4s, these settings are stifling.  Social conversations that focus only on positivity and superficiality will not seem genuine to the 4.  They yearn for something deeper.  Herein lies your opportunity to build rapport and trust with your Type 4 teammate—by finding opportunities to  share your own feelings.   Your Type 4 teammate will often express deep empathy and provide unique perspectives on your situation. Acknowledging and appreciating these gifts is a key step to building rapport with Type 4.

It’s Complicated

Type 4s may be reluctant to share their feelings with you. To the 4, asking how they are feeling is a ridiculous question.  Remember the onion?  They are experiencing ALL feelings in layers.  Simply saying they feel one way only exposes the next layer of feelings.  Do they express that, too?  And the next? In any case, by sharing your own feelings you are signaling to the 4 that it is safe to talk about feelings. Let them share when they are ready—no need to force it.

Pining is not Wanting

Type 4s often dwell on what is missing—they pine for things that are not there. For most people, we mistake pining for wanting. If we hear a Type 4 pine for something we may acquire that thing and give it to them.  Don’t be surprised if the reaction is, “Why did you get this?”  The 4 didn’t want the thing, they just wanted to pine for it. Pining is a way for the 4 to deeply explore the emotional content of something. That process is more important than the thing itself.

Remember when photographs were processed on film?  We gave the film to the processor and in return received a set of photographs and negatives.  To most of us, the world is represented by the photograph, the positive view of the world.  Imagine if you could see the world in the negative, inverted and highlighting what is missing rather than what is there—now you are starting to see the worldview of the 4.

Valuable Perspectives

Having a Type 4 on your team provides valuable perspectives and insights. When evaluating ideas for solutions, they provide insight into how the world will respond emotionally to each proposal.  They can identify what is missing and suggest elements that may be critical for persistent and sustainable solutions. Also, they can determine if there is sufficient positive emotional energy behind any proposal to garner the support necessary from the team to make the effort to reach the goal.  Eliciting and valuing these perspectives from Type 4 teammates is another rapport building example.

When does rapport building take place with the Enneagram Type 4s in your life? What rapport building strategies work for you? What have you learned to avoid?

Rapport? Who needs rapport? We have a job to do! Enneagram Type 3s want to work hard and accomplish the job.  The best way to get along with Type 3s is pitching in, helping them and the team succeed. Here’s to success!

Feelings? No Thanks!

Although Enneagram Type 3 is in the Feeling Triad, they suppress their emotions and tend not to consider the feelings of others.  Clearly, building rapport on an emotional basis is not the best approach with the 3.  They do want to succeed and appear successful—therein lies the key to rapport building with your Type 3 teammates.

Mirroring 9.0

As discussed in this 5/8/20 blog,  mirroring is one of the most important rapport building skills. Enneagram Type 3s are highly conscious of appearances and will respond well to mirroring. They like to surround themselves with achievement-oriented people who exhibit all the trappings of success—nice clothes, nice car, nice job, etc.   Mirroring these signs of success while demonstrating your own ability to work hard and achieve success will put you in good stead with the 3.

Outside of the Box

Most people have emotional filters on their thoughts and ideas.  Because Type 3s tend to suppress emotion, it’s as if these filters are turned off. This gift gives the 3 the ability to think outside of the emotional box.  They freely generate ideas for the team to consider.  Since they don’t themselves react emotionally to any idea, they have to monitor the group to see which ideas gain traction.  As the saying goes, they throw out ideas like spaghetti against the wall and see what sticks.  Type 3s appreciate feedback on their ideas and efforts to build consensus to move forward to accomplish the goal.

Nothing Personal

When the 3 is focused on the mission, they become emotionally distant.  Don’t take it personally.  Just work with the 3 to help them achieve the goal.  They will tune back in once the goal is achieved. Remember, your Type 3 colleague may really like you despite the emotional distance. That distance is simply an artifact of the suppressed-emotion type. With your Type 3 teammates, putting feelings aside and staying on task is one of the best rapport building techniques.

Bonding Over Work

One of my closest friends from college is Enneagram Type 3.  We attended an academically challenging school.  As a Type 6 myself, I always felt the stress and anxiety of the workload, and that anxiety shifted my behaviors towards Type 3, along my path of disintegration.  In that state, I was naturally mirroring many of the behaviors of my diligent, hard-working Type 3 friend. No wonder we got along so well!

Friendly Competition

Type 3s are highly competitive. Another rapport building example is to find activities in which the 3 excels and engage them in friendly competition. With my friend in college, our favorite competition was ping pong—we played hours and hours of ping pong. If you put up a great fight and they still win—you have given them another opportunity to demonstrate success. That’s a win-win rapport building strategy with your Type 3 teammate.

When does rapport building take place with the Enneagram Type 3s in your life? How are you building rapport and trust?  What steps to building rapport are you taking? What steps to building rapport work and what have you learned to avoid?